Tactful Parenting ~ The Art of Apology

Practice what you preach. Speak to others as you wish to be spoken to. Aren't those wonderful parenting mantras? How many of us do that as often as we should? 

I was reminded of this the other day while rushing to get my daughter off to school on time. I said something harsh about her eye make-up. Instead of telling her how lovely her eyes are naturally and that they don’t need that much make-up, I bull-dozed her confidence by commenting how dark the mascara looked. She was crushed and looked out the window in silence the rest of the way to school. 

I felt sick all afternoon until I had the chance to apologize to her after school. I bombed in parenting 101, a plane engulfed in flames turning to ash. I should have focused my mind on saying something with a positive spin rather than a destructive one. My agenda self was irritated with her for spending so much time on her eye make-up (at least twenty minutes every morning). 

There was a happy ending. I swallowed my pride and apologized. Never one to NOT speak her mind, my daughter said how angry and hurt she felt by the comment, but was pleased that I recognized how my words affected her. I want my kids to know that parenting is a work in progress and being tactful can often be a life-long learning experience.

Teen Consequences: What Are Your Favorites?

Over lunch today, I met with one of my incredibly funny and well organized friends. She is focused. She makes a plan and works the plan. Her day of homeschooling three teenage boys is nothing short of amazing, so I enjoy gleaning a bit of her parenting wizardry when we meet.

The discussion between women of teens inevitably leads to the following: 1. Housework (or lack thereof by those lumps of flesh we call teenagers who share our space).  2. Homework: How much 'micro-managing' should we do when it comes to checking grades, meeting with teachers, and holding them accountable for assignments? 3. What consequences do you implement when #1 and #2 don't happen the way you planned?

My friend is a chart woman and since she spends a LOT of time with her kids. Keeping them accountable and busy is a full-time job, and she always comes up with creative ways of getting the job done.

Besides organizing their school work, co-op time, Boy Scouts,  housework, special outings, meal planning, homework, etc, she manages to have the energy to sit down and follow through on a daily chore chart that covers the boys' responsibilities throughout the day. It's been reviewed with them thoroughly. They know what is expected and the consequences if not completed.

My favorite is for the boy who has laundry duty; He is responsible for washing, drying, and folding all the previous days' laundry. If he forgets, then he does it the next day until he remembers to complete the task for the day. His brothers love it. They get out of laundry duty for weeks.

I wonder how I could use this same strategy for my kids. One of the tasks involves feeding the cat and cleaning out the cat box. I've posted a sign on the bathroom mirror with this reminder. I suggested putting a reminder in the cell phone to buzz when it's time for feeding. Still, it's rare that the cat is fed without my constant 'Has the cat been fed?' reminder. I can't let him die as a consequence. I'm thinking of something delicious like vacuuming out my car for each time I have to give the reminder. Dang, I'll have a sparkling clean car for sure.

Celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. dedicated his life to serving others. He was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964 for his work to end racial segregation and discrimination with nonviolent means.  A defining moment in his life occurred during a rally in Washington D.C. on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial where he delivered his famous speech, “I Have A Dream" He declared his passion for freedom to 'ring' throughout the world for all of humanity without discrimination.

Dr. King was assassinated on April 4, 1968, in Memphis, Tenn.  Martin Luther King, Jr.Day was declared a federal holiday in 1983 by President Ronald Reagan.

January 17, 2011 marks the 25th anniversary of the holiday celebrating his life’s work.

Raising Teens: Use Your Poker Face

Raising teenagers is like poker; It reminds me of the chorus verse to Kenny Rogers' song "The Gambler":

You've got to know when to hold 'em (or not)......by understanding the appropriate time to give empathy or when to express:  "Just because you are tired from playing all day from a sports' tournament the previous day doesn't exempt you from helping out with housework today. We all live in this house, help mess it up, and you are being given to opportunity of learning how to suck it up and help even when you don't feel like it."

Know when to fold 'em......by allowing teens down time when they physically and mentally exhausted. I realize I said 'suck it up' in the previous paragraph, but I'm referring to when emotions of the day dictate a break from homework, cell phone, and computer activities like Facebook. Teaching teens that closing your eyes and resting for a half hour can do wonders for your spirit and attitude. The grown up version of time out.

Know when to walk away....This a tough for me because I fight for justice. I don't like being treated unfairly or with disrespect. When I've chauffeured my teen and friends all over the neighborhood, cooked meals, cleaned up after meals, balanced the checkbook, did three loads of laundry, and made special treats for a party they attended earlier in the week, I get a little tense when I ask for help with a task. On the rare occasion I can step back from myself and take inventory of their day and mine, often I can literally say my peace and walk away. When this occurs, the situation that caused me grief usually subsides and I'm thankful for not loosing my temper. I actually win because the teen doesn't get the satisfaction of causing me stress.

Know when to run...is another hard one for me as stated above. I get emotionally involved and desire to prove my point and...(gasp), lecture. I think we parents lecture so we don't get out the frying pan and whack our kids over the head when they refuse to listen to our  sage wisdom. Knowing when to run can be used when you have no idea how to respond a teen's a question, behavior, or action. We have to right to say "I don't know, I'll discuss it with you later (when I don't feel like screaming), or When you get your attitude back on straight, we will discuss it."

Next time your teen is driving you to drink, yell, or throw something breakable, put on your poker face and hold 'em, walk away, or run.

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Not A Quiet Neighborhood

There was some excitement in my neighborhood yesterday afternoon. As I went to pick up my daughter from school, I drove past a busy corner on the edge of a large residential area where there were about eight police cars, two fire trucks, various other vehicles, and a large, black van with the words painted on the side, "Bomb Squad Investigation".

Anything that says bomb squad and is within a mile of my house gets my full attention. Traffic was still flowing along past this menagerie which surprised me. I kept thinking, "How come the street isn't blocked off?" Kids were being dropped off from school buses about this time. I was concerned to say the least.

Desperate for information I scanned the news, turned on the radio and heard nothing. I finally found a small 'breaking news' article on the Seattle internet site describing the incident as an investigation for explosives in an abandoned well house that began around 2 pm today. Yikes! We have buried natural gas pipe lines. What if this thing blows some of the lines?

I waited a short while for my husband to get off work. We all hopped in the car and headed for the grocery store ten miles away at 6 pm. The road was finally blocked and traffic was being diverted around the scene. A few of the houses immediately across the street had been evacuated. When we returned home around 8 pm, the activity was still heavy but no other evacuations had occurred. A news update said that 2-3 explosive devices were found shrink wrapped along with firearms and ammunition buried around the well house. It is believed the individual responsible had been killed six months earlier by a bounty hunter. We had to trust that things were being handled and to get some rest for a busy day on Saturday.

AAA Gets Triple Stars in My Book!

Did you know that AAA offers travel services for members and non-members? You do pay a per ticket charge on top of the ticket price, after all AAA has to make a little money to pay their agents.

I recently used AAA to assist me in booking my two week Hawaiian vacation. My family is traveling to two different islands along with a friend of my daughter's and another family of four. Seems like a straight forward trip right? Not exactly.

The first week of the trip is to the island of Kauai where we will use our timeshare points. Getting a room in a timeshare works fine as along as you book a year in advance. We took are of that portion. The next week all of us, except for the friend of my daughter's, will fly over to the Big Island of Hawaii. This is where things get a little hinky.

Our fabulous travel agent, Mary, over at the South Hill- Puyallup AAA put together a package deal saving us hundreds of dollars each for airline tickets and great rates on car rentals for both families. We didn't realize that even though we were staying at a timeshare on one island, that we could get a discounted packaged rate on the second leg of our trip while staying at a resort. 

Mary spent several hours with us and two different occasions going over every detail such as travel insurance, using our Alaska Air miles to redeem tickets for the kids (didn't know we couldn't do that for the adults or we'd loose the package rate since it was linked to paying adults) inter-island flights, getting an unaccompanied minor back to home while we flew on to another island, rental car insurance, things to do on both islands, gave us maps and tour suggestions along with a friendly smile. With 20 years in the travel business, Mary is a wealth of information and has travelled extensively herself. She can rattle off rates as if accessing it from a computer and gives top notch service. Give her a call at 253.445.3745 and tell her Misty sent you!

This will be our 2nd visit to Waikoloa Beach Resort 

(A Marriott property) on the Big Island. We loved it here!

               A fabulous place for kids and adults.