Happy New Year's Eve 2010

Where will you be at midnight tonight? Every year it seems, I manage to stay awake until 11:30 pm. I try hard to stay up until the hour, but usually fall asleep.  I'll  report back tomorrow and let you know if I made it or not.

Be Safe

Have Fun

See you next year!

Ode To Driving Again

It's been three weeks
Since I gripped my car's wheel
Cleared for driving for I am
All very surreal
The roads are icy, I'm nervous I'll wreck
Fear of another surgery, gives my mind heck
Fastening my seatbelt, I turn the car on
Cruising down my driveway, no longer afraid
I wonder: Freeway or Backroads?
Which could be worse? I choose the freeway
and head out like a hearse
Traffic is sporadic
It's the middle of the day
But idiots abound, my mouth goes astray
I'm back in the saddle, proudly independent
It's been three weeks
No longer dependent!

Retail Therapy

There's nothing like a little retail therapy and lunch with a wonderful friend to make for an outstanding day.

A dear friend, who lives over an hour away from me, came by to take me to lunch today. (I'm being good and still not driving until the prescribed 3 weeks).  We've known each other since high school, so there's nothing we don't know about each other. It's awesome! We can talk about anything.

We began our visit at Red Robin Restaurant, (love their Ensenada Chicken platter) then talk of my new favorite store came up. We headed out to Buckle of course. My friend had lost some weight and needed a new pair of jeans.

Buckle is THE place to buy jeans that make your butt look hot, even if you're middle aged. She found a pair that fit her perfectly. I suggested she ask the sales gal to 'dress her' because that's what they do. It's like Nordstrom only better. She also found a fabulous top and necklace and walked out of there feeling like a million bucks. I loved the smile on her face. I had some Christmas money burning a hole in my pocket and found a few items for myself. 

We topped off our visit to Starbucks. Give me a  Grande, Breve, No water, 200 degree Chai Latte,  and I'll follow you anywhere.

Christmas Cleaning Day

When is your official Christmas cleaning day? You know, the day where you; throw out the cards without pictures, pull down the stockings and throw 'em in a sack, quickly remove ornaments from the tree so your husband and kids will feel guilty and spend the next three hours carefully wrapping each one, throwing the leftovers in the freezer, putting away decorative table clothes, wreaths, trying to figure out whose gifts you threw in a heap in the back bedroom, put away the gift wrapping paper, ribbons, and bow. Finally, don't forget taking down THE LIGHTS. (Not my job!)

My cleaning day begins the next business day after Christmas. The one where the kids disappear in order to avoid housework. I'm the one who puts away most of the decorations, so I figure I'm entitled to put them away when it's most convenient for me. My husband starts to whine if I try to take it all down the next day. This year I was too tired. I began the task by taking a few things down at a time, a good way to gently ease the family back into the swing of things. For some reason, when the living room is decorated, it becomes a no cleaning zone. How did I let this happen?

Is this your house after Christmas?

I did some scouring on the internet to see when others traditionally 'take down' the decorations. Here are a few of the answers I found:

1. If you chose a live tree, then it's best to take it down when the needles drop. By this time, it's a fire hazard. Amen!

2. Some said they put their tree up at Thanksgiving  and take it down the day after Christmas.  Um. No. This is far too early. 

3. Another tradition is to wait until Epiphany. This is the first week of January, I believe it's the 6th. It's the day the Wise men met the newborn King and gave him his gifts. Part of the tradition of leaving up decorations is that if you take down the tree with it's lights, then the Wise men cannot find their way to see the babe.  That all sounds grand, but I don't think my nerves would survive the no cleaning zone that long.


When do you take down your Christmas decorations? I really want to know.

Christmas leftovers, etc.

One of the best parts of Christmas are all of the leftovers. We prepare prime rib at Christmas. The next day it's prime rib sandwiches. It doesn't get any better than that, does it? Then, there's the 10 different kinds of cookies and 5 varieties of pies. I swear this year that I'm going to freeze the hip expanders, as soon as I go eat a few.

The gang is out snow skiing today. The wind is howling and the rain won't seem to let up for more than a few minutes at my house. I'm looking forward to summer weather already. They sent me a text from the mountain saying there is 75 mile an hour winds on part on the ski areas. My daughter assures me in another next text that those areas are closed before I ask her, "Is your father insane taking you there?"

Next week I will be celebrating my ability to drive again! Does this mean my husband will stop grocery shopping for me? I suppose. Dang.

Merry Christmas!

Despite having a major surgery 15 days before Christmas, I have had the best Christmas ever! Why? It's because I was forced to slow way, way down.

Every year, it's a huge panic; shop for gifts, plan the dinner, get the cards out, worry about whether people will enjoy their gifts, and dread the visit from the crazy relative.

This year was different. I savored every moment. I treasured all of the friends and family. I told everyone I loved them, lots. I didn't worry if everything wasn't perfect.  I feel like I have a second chance to become a better person. I don't want to blow it this time!

Merry Christmas!

Pot Belly

I just love how in your 40s you can exercise until your blue in the face and never seem to loose weight. Before my surgery, I was either walking a half-hour or riding an elliptical four times a week. I'd usually get in about 50 sit-ups two or three times a week as well. In 13 days, I've managed to gain back my little 'pot belly' I worked a year to get rid of (sigh).

I've been sleeping more too, which means I'm much more sluggish in the mornings. This morning I forced myself to get up 2 hours earlier than I had been. I fixed breakfast for the first time in a few weeks too. That felt good. I'm slowly regaining my energy. I was doing some light cleaning yesterday. By the afternoon of puttering around, I was exhausted. Now I'm off to shower and make an honest attempt at finishing Christmas cards.

Drain Free

It's official. I'm drain free. Not that this is any kind of earth shaking news, but when you have tubes attached to your body that require maintenance, take up a lot of space and make you look like you weigh 30 more pounds than normal, it begins to wear you thin. I truly am looking forward to a shower.. unencumbered.

My son Daniel drove me across town to my appointment to have the drains removed. I am not suppose to drive until next week. I probably could at this point, but my doctor would rather me not tear anything open while swerving to avoid a wreck. I hate to think of what an ER room would do to the careful reconstruction of my front section.

In a few weeks, I'll begin light physical therapy. I've already started doing some at home such as pendulum swings and table slides. I'm not supposed to lift my arms past my shoulders. I can't anyway because everything is so tight right now. It makes getting dressed very interesting. Some people have asked me if I have skin left or if I had to have grafting done.  No worries friends. They took the bad stuff out, put in some temporary gizmos so I still look female, saved some parts and stitched 'em back on. Cool eh? I'm still loving the fact that I'm cancer free and don't have to endure chemo or radiation.

10 Days Post-Op Surgery

Today is day 10 post-op, and I sort of feel normal again.  For those whose blood pressure recuperates quickly after a surgery, I imagine the recovery from a Mastectomy would be much less complicated. Mine was not.

Here's the Reader's Digest version of the last 10 days. Managing pain meds and blood pressure were the focus of my first seven days. Once I finally found something that didn't make me itch, twitch, or puke I was a much happier patient. My blood pressure remained low and made it difficult to get around without passing out. I started to feel normal again on Dec. 18.

Surprisingly, most of my discomfort now is the tightness in my chest and some slight swelling. I can raise my arms half way up. I am working on very light stretches and keeping myself vertical and moving.

Got a Will? How about a POA or HD?

Just a quick note that if you are having major surgery, it's a good idea to make sure your will, power-of-attorney, and health directive are all up to date. I feel better knowing that my family is aware of my exact wishes should a complication arise from my surgery.

Last Minute Details

I learned the other day that Nordstrom's caters to women with breast cancer. You call the lingerie department and schedule a time to be fitted. Today I tried on two different garments; a bra, and a camisole that has pockets for the drain tubes. Note: These tubes are worn after surgery to prevent accumulation of fluid/blood and to decrease swelling, which decreases pain. Yay!

The Tacoma Mall location has a large private room at the end of the dressing rooms where a specialist measures you for pre and post operative garments. I thought it would be a good idea to get a comfortable bra to wear after the surgical wrappings are removed. It was a fabulous experience, and the purchase was billed to my insurance. I only needed to call my surgeon and have their office fax a prescription for the garments to Nordstrom's lingerie department.

For woman who don't have reconstructive surgery, Nordstrom also has prosthetic bras, camisoles, and swimsuits available. Who knew? I'd like to give a shout out to Ashley who treated me with respect and made the whole experience a treat.

I was so happy that I bought myself a cute pair of pink flannel pajamas with hearts on them, because I'm worth it, and because my daughter Holly was mortified I might be sleeping in my flannel, button-up shirts and sweatpants all the time.

To-Do or NOT To-Do

I believe most women have long "to-do" lists. I sure do, and one of them is posting to my blog on a daily basis. This morning, thoughts of "Dear Lord, it has been three days since my last blog post" came to mind. The 'list' was calling me from my purse and trying to vie for my blog time. I declared out loud, "Thou shalt sit undone for thine moment while thy bloggest."

As I sit here wondering what is still on the 'list' left to do before my surgery, other than the obvious; wrap Christmas gifts, try to mail packages that need mailing, order Christmas picture cards, get stamps, clean house, pay bills, do thank you cards, throw in a load of laundry, prepare grocery list, grocery shop, do list of meals for Holly to prepare, take dog for a walk, take a shower, and eat breakfast, I am taking a moment to be thankful for the many things I won't have "To Do" while recovering from a major surgery. Here's my top 5 don't have "to dos."

1. No housework. Admit it. Wouldn't you love to just let it go and watch as your family struggles to find a pair of socks?

2. No grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is like driving during rush hour, so it might be worth eating pizza for a week while my family tries to figure out how to cook a meal from something other than Schwans.

3. No dressing up or bathing. Don't get me wrong, I like to be clean and look nice, but I'm embracing the fact the I'll be wearing 2-4 tubes hanging around my waist for a few weeks. That's not conducive to a relaxing shower. I've got my comfy sweatpants and long-sleeved, button-up flannel shirts all picked out.

4. No driving for a minimum of two weeks, preferably 3. Hum, I'm not sure whether this is a good thing. I won't be able to drive to Starbuck's for my Grande, Breve, no water, 200 degrees, Chai Latte to sip while writing the great American novel. Hint, hint.

5. No laundry. I'm not suppose to lift more than 10 lbs for many, many weeks. A full laundry basket, in my opinion, must weigh more than 10 lbs right?

6 Days Until Surgery

There's nothing like a major surgery shortly before Christmas to help you get motivated to finish Christmas preparations early. I have just about all of my immediate family finished. The malls are getting too crowded now, my cue that I need to let my computer do the rest of the shopping.

We got our tree today! This is THE earliest we've ever gotten one. My goal is to decorate it this evening and do a family picture in front of it tomorrow.

Now that my son Daniel is a junior in high school, I can't help but think that in a few short years, he may not be living at home during Christmas. He'll just be visiting from college. The empty nest thoughts are creeping in.

Finally, preparing the house for when I come home from the hospital (only an overnight stay thankfully) is an interesting task. I spoke to a friend who had the same surgery I'm having. She reminded me that I need some sports bras that zip or clip in the front and some button down shirts to wear. Thank goodness I still have five more days to make an attempt at being ready!

Dec. 10th Surgery Date

After careful consideration of all the information I have available to me, I've decided to have a double Mastectomy on Dec. 10. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends and family who have cheered me up during this stressful time. I am relieved to be moving forward and feel like I have the best medical care.

Another Dr Visit: Reconstructive Surgery After A Mastectomy

Let me just say this again, if you haven't had your annual mammogram please go get one. Finding early stage breast cancer is much easier to deal with than any other stage. If you catch it early, and there's only one spot, the treatment is shorter, less painful, and much less traumatic. If I had had my mammograms on a more regular basis, I'd probably just be having a Lumpectomy. Unfortunately, since mine is a bit more wide spread, I have other considerations to make.  I'll share a little bit of info about my recent visit with the plastic surgeon, his nurse and my choice for a Mastectomy.

I chose my plastic surgeon based on a recommendation by my breast surgeon. You can't imagine how many doctors you have to see when you have breast cancer. My cancer is NOT thought to be invasive. I'm not seeing a radiologist, oncologist, or any other cancer doctors at this time. I won't know if mine is invasive until my Mastectomy surgery is performed when breast tissues samples are tested directly from the operating room.

After a complete medical history was discussed with the nurse and all of my questions answered, I met with the surgeon, Dr. Nichols. His practice is primary 70% reconstructive surgeries for breast cancer patients. He is kind, compassionate, and answered more questions and never made me feel rushed. He also explained that reconstructive surgery isn't a one time deal. I will be visiting his office weekly for three to four months after.

The two surgeons work together during the initial operation. The breast surgeon removes the breast tissue, and the plastic surgeon inserts tissue expanders. These are left inside for a period of three to four months. During this time, I'll get weekly 'fills' to stretch the chest wall muscles in order to make room for implants which are inserted when I reach the size I desire. Custom boobs. Who can ask for more? I didn't discuss in detail with the plastic surgeon about what will happen if they find my cancer has spread. But, my understanding is that I would need to complete radiation and chemo before insertion of implants. Please pray that isn't the case.

There are many choices to make when you are diagnosed with breast cancer. Do I have only a Lumpectomy? This isn't the best option for me because I have more than one location. If it were, the recommended choice is Lumpectomy and radiation. Do I leave it and do nothing? That is a choice, especially since it's inside the duct. My rational conclusions all lead me to having a double Mastectomy for the best possible outcome and hopefully, be cancer free in the future.

Another choice to make is whether to test a lymph node to see if the cancer has spread. Once you do this and it's found to have spread, then chemo and radiation are suggested. Chemo, more often than not, causes Lymphodema in the arm where the sample of the lymph node was removed. This is a whole treatment and discomfort in itself.

Which treatment choices are the best? For me, the choice that I can live with and not be in constant fear is having a double Mastectomy and testing a lymph node. Statistics show that 50% of patients who have my type of cancer, will eventually get it in the other side. If that occurs, it usually returns in a more aggressive form. This isn't something I want to worry about, nor do I want to endure chemo and radiation treatment the second time around.

How do birds eat when its snows?

Check out this picture of my back deck. We haven't had this much snow dump on us in one day in a long time. My son, Daniel, measured it at five inches yesterday before the evening snow dump. Today, there's more like eight inches.

I often wonder how critters live during the cold winter months. This morning, my heart broke at the sight of a Humming bird hovering by a feeder I have just outside my sliding glass window. The tiny creature was frantically attempting to feed from its frozen bottle without success. I felt so guilty watching him from inside my warm home, hot cocoa and book waiting for my return. I quickly replaced the contents with warm sugar water and stepped outside to hang it. The moment I opened the slider door, a Humming bird impatiently circled the feeder in my hand.

I froze in place and to my astonishment, the bird landed and began drinking. I felt so honored that he was drinking while I stood there. I glanced over and noticed his emerald green feathers along his back and the long beak. He then took a drink from each of the four openings, taking his time as if to say, "Thanks. I was starving!" I was so thrilled to have witnessed this that I ran back inside looking for some nuts or birdseed to add to his bounty. 

I never thought I would be so attached to bird watching, but these little critters are like my pets. They are relaxing to watch and make you feel like you're doing something special. Maybe it's because I have two thankless teenagers that I need something that still makes me feel appreciated.

Snow Day

We got our first snow of the year yesterday. The kids went to school two hours late, which kind of throws off the whole day. I just received a text from daughter that school might be let out an hour early because it's snowing again, and hard. If it keeps up, we'll most likely not have school on Tuesday either.

After dinner, we are going to venture out and get a couple of Red Box movie rentals for a $1.00 each and of course some cheap sleds. With a warm fire, hot cocoa and movies to snuggle up and watch, it should be some special family time.

TGIF & a date with Harry Potter

Thank goodness it's Friday, and I'm praying it doesn't snow! The boys are gone hunting for the weekend, and Holly will be out with friends for the evening. I have the house to myself. I even cleaned it in celebration of there won't be anyone around to mess it up. :)

I'm spending time with a friend of mine this evening I've not seen in ages. Every so often we head to our favorite little Italian restaurant and laugh for hours on end about the antics of raising teenagers.

What do you do when you have some alone time? When I get home tonight, I'm going to write for my NaNoWriMo novel until my fingers bleed, then bury myself under the covers with the latest Harry Potter novel, "Deathly Hollows." I didn't used to be a H.P. fan until I started reading 'how to write a novel' books, and they constantly referred to J.K. Rowling's brilliant writing style. I have to admit, reading them is a pleasure.

In her seventh and final book of the Harry Potter series, Rowlings does a wonderful job of sneaking in explanations of past stories, people, or items that you may have forgotten about from previous books into the current story line, so you aren't lost on what the characters are talking about. There are lots of surprises, and I find I need to re-read passages because of the unexpected events that cleverly present themselves in a subtle way.

My mom is a huge Potter fan and wants to see the Deathly Hollows part 1 out in theaters this month. Since I've seen all of the prior movies, but never read the books, I thought it would be fun to read the book before the movie and see how well the production compares to her books.

Are you a Harry Potter fan? If so, which book (or movie) is your favorite?

Have a super weekend!

Goals & Life Getting in the Way

Life can often get in the way of our goals doesn't it? For example, I am pursuing a new career as a Physical Therapist Assistant. I finished up the prerequisites such as anatomy and physiology in March of this year. During this time, I was dealing with an excruciating shoulder injury. In September, I was diagnosed with being border-line diabetic. October gave me the glory of breast cancer. December will most likely include a surgery to remove the cancer. Whew! What a year. Amazingly, my desire to live has not ceased. My desire to become a PTA is still a burning passion. My goal of writing a novel is in the works. My goal of loosing 25 pounds is still going strong.  My point? I have goals, and I chip away at them daily even when life gets in the way.

The PTA goal is kind of hold due to the fact I cannot get a job or intern position at a therapy facility until I'm healed from the surgery. This is beyond my control, and I accept that. But, my goal of applying for the PTA program in February 2011 is a real possibility. I may not even get in for next year's program because I don't have enough job or interning experience. That's okay. If I don't, I will spend the time healing my body and soul and finding a job that is a good fit for me until February of 2012 when I can apply again. I also will have a senior in high school next year whose getting ready for college as well.

Another goal of mine is to loose weight. Since the diabetic scare, it's now a requirement, not just a goal. I eat consciously every day. I've been trying out the NutriSystem diet plan for two months and it works. My total weight loss this year is about 15 pounds. I also worked with a dietitian and learned that eating more fruits and veggies is critical in weight loss because of the fiber and water content. So many of us are dehydrated. Believe me, if you're not hydrated then things are not going to move along out of your body if you get my drift.

Finally, my favorite goal is writing. November is NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month. It's the half way point, and I've reached my goal of writing 25,000 words mid-month. I only have another 25,000 to go! The word count isn't to prove I can write a best-selling novel in one month, but to learn a new habit. This incredible habit of writing, setting goals, and living life on my terms. Isn't it awesome that we can have more than one goal?

Please share what your goals are this year? This month? Do you have a five year plan for your life?

Die Without Regret

I love this saying, "Die Without Regret." I heard this on a DVD entitled, Moving Beyond Breast Cancer produced by the National Cancer Institute. It was loaned to me from the cancer center in my town. Several breast cancer survivors were interviewed on how they coped with their feelings and their lives after the treatment. Here are some words of wisdom the survivors share that we can all live by:

Surviving cancer allows you a second chance in life

Live in the present

Love unconditionally

Tell people you love them...often

Stop procrastinating your dreams

Winter is here!

Last night was our first major storm of the winter. The wind howled and blew pine needles and branches all over the yard.  Thousands of homes, businesses and lots of schools were without power. My kids loved it of course. Me, not so much.  I had to keep kids busy, fed, and entertained.

Holly had high honors on her recent report card, so I took her to the mall to buy  a special sweater to celebrate. We had a nice time shopping together, and the mall was pleasantly quiet. Daniel spent the morning studying, then flew off to wrestling practice. The school had its' power restored in time for that.

It's only 8 pm, but I feel like it should be 11 pm. I'll be heading to bed early tonight, and praying that I still have power by the morning!

Grey's Anatomy

Did you know you can watch free movies on Hulu.com? My favorite T.V. series of ALL time is Grey's Anatomy. I just finished watching season 1,  episodes 1, 2, and 3. They are just as fabulous as the later ones I started watching earlier this year on Hulu. It's way too late and time for bed.

Who wouldn't stay up late for Dr. Shepard!

 As you can see from this post, it's midnight. I should be asleep.

Waiting Can Make You Crazy

Tomorrow is Nov. 14, which is almost a month since my diagnosis. There are times when I wish I was finished with a surgery and done with cancer. I suppose when the day arrives and I head into surgery, I'll be relieved and not terrified eh?

How about you? Have there been times of dread where you had to wait and decide for the right decision?

What was it?

It's Good to Share

One of the benefits of sharing the news of an illness is that you find many people know someone who has the same thing. Sadly, Breast Cancer is becoming very common, probably because of early detection. Fortunately though, there are higher and longer survival rates.

Last week, I was telling a friend in my writing group about what I'm going through, and she offered to have someone she knows who had a Mastectomy three years ago give me a call. The friend called me. Let's call her Joan. It just so happens that the surgeon who did her Mastectomy is the same one I'm working with.

What a relief to her story. She was very pleased with our surgeon, Dr. Lynn Clarke. She didn't have much pain, her scar isn't that bad, and she is cancer free. This particular woman has a huge family history of Breast Cancer. A total of 7 out of 8 close relatives have had Breast Cancer - her grandmother, mother, two sisters and three cousins.

Joan was diagnosed in her early 60s with the same cancer I have, which is DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ). She opted for Mastectomy without reconstruction. A relative of hers didn't have a good experience with reconstruction. The relative had difficulties with the expanders that are put in prior to reconstruction (after the Mastectomy). I don't have much data on this, but the few stories I've heard and a woman I know are finding that if you have to have chemo and radiation, then opting for reconstruction during those treatments might not be the best option. Choosing reconstruction at a later date when your chemo and radiation are complete might be a better option.

I'm thankful for input like this. It is a question I can pose to my breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon later on. A question such as, 'If after testing my lymph nodes and there is invasive cancer, will the plastic surgeon be willing to postpone the reconstruction or will he charge me for his time in standing by while the breast surgeon does her job.

Vitamin D3 Levels & Breast Cancer

One of the tests my breast surgeon did a few weeks ago was to check my vitamin D level. A blood draw is necessary for this test. According to the National Cancer Institute's website regarding vitamin D: 


Vitamin D is involved in a number of processes that are essential for good health, including the following:

• It helps improve muscle strength and immune function.
• It helps reduce inflammation.
• It promotes the absorption of calcium from the small intestine.
• It helps maintain adequate blood levels of the calcium and phosphate needed for bone formation, mineralization (incorporating minerals to increase strength and density), growth, and repair.

Photo courtesy of Google Images

The National Cancer Institute refers to clinical trials that have shown evidence of Vitamin D slowing down the rate of growth in cancer cells as well as noting people who live in southern climates having a lower incidence of Vitamin D deficiency and less cancers, specifically breast and colorectal cancer. 

Many people get their Vitamin D from sun exposure. For those of us who live in the Pacific Northwest, where if often rains nine months out of the year, we need to supplement. Three years ago, my gynecologist suggested 4,000 IU of Vitamin D per day.  I have been following this regime and my levels are still low. I'll be taking a look at the brand I've chosen.

I'm not a doctor, so please make sure you check with your own physician on what the appropriate levels of Vitamin D are for you. My point is, get it checked, especially if you are over 40.

A Visit to the Cancer Resource Center

I have this cute little Chia Pet I wanted you to see. Unfortunately, I can't find a simple button that will rotate this stinking picture upright. Lean your head to the right, then this picture will make more sense.

Sideways view of Chia Pet



A friend of mine gave me this little Breast Cancer Chia Pet. She has Breast Cancer and recently had a Mastectomy and is under going Chemotherapy now. I had called to see how she was doing and to cheer her up. When I told her of my diagnosis, she immediately came to my house to cheer me up and presented me with this Chia. It's already growing 'hair'.

We talked for hours, then went to the Dr. Richard C. Ostenson Cancer Center near our local hospital. What an amazing place this. They carry free wigs, have shelves-upon-shelves of free material on breast, prostate, lung cancers, etc. There are books and DVDS they loan out and classes for patients, caregivers, and families. Most of them free. They also have a few retail items such as t-shirts, hats, bracelets, pillows, and scarves which help support the free programs. Next week, I'm taking my friend to a free class at the resource center called, "Look Good, Feel Good." It is a class to assist ladies with how to do their makeup and how to tie on scarves or wear wigs. If you know someone who has cancer and hasn't checked out a resource center, I encourage you to take your friend or loved one and spend some time there. It's a wonderful place to get connected to what is currently available to cancer patients and their families.

Celebrating Christmas in November!

Sunday, my daughter, Holly and I decided to celebrate Christmas in November. Why not?  Christmas is a cheerful time of year. We pulled out the holiday DVDs, some Nutcracker statues, the Christmas tablecloth, and the manger scene. It made the house feel warm and cozy. It's tradition to play the Elvis DVD while we  decorate. I laugh at it now, because the kids always gave me such a hard time about playing that one and me dancing around shaking my hips. Now they dance for me!

During this challenging season of my life, I realize how important it is to keep on living life and not act as though I'm dead. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for people who live alone or don't have children to keep them busy. An early lesson that this illness is teaching me is to be more present and focused on today, not yesterday or tomorrow. I'm a planner and a worrier, so I guess this is something God wanted me to work on in a huge way.

Have a beautiful Monday!

What Cancer Cannot Do

I am so incredibly blessed with amazing friends and a wonderful family. I received a bracelet last weekend from my dear friend, Erin. It reads:

     What Cancer Cannot Do - It cannot invade the soul, suppress memories, kill friendship
                                                destroy peace, conquer spirit, shatter hope, cripple love,
                                                    corrode faith, steal eternal life, or silence courage

I cry every time I read it.

Thank you, Erin!
Love You Always,
M

Little Acts of Kindness

I'm old enough to know that wallowing in self-pity is never a good thing. With cancer, that little pity devil loves to come visit you. I kicked his butt today. I enjoyed a nice walk with my dog at the park this morning. Poor thing. She hasn't been walked in months and can hardly get herself up onto the couch. Maybe the couch part isn't so bad, but just like people our pets need exercise too.

We started slow and walked for a half an hour around the lake inside the park. There weren't many people there on a Friday at 10:30 am, except a dad and his boy of about two. The dad was taking pictures of his little guy fishing. They were both having so much fun. I called out, "Would you like a picture of you  together?" The dad beamed and said, "Yes, please." I snapped a picture of that joyous occasion and almost cried. I felt good, and the dad was gushing at how nice it was of me to stop and do that for him. Little acts of kindness to others can really boost your day!

Calling My Lifeline

This morning I had a rough start. After my post last night about dying your hair red, my subconscious went crazy. I had a scary and vivid dream about my hair falling out and how I would look after a Mastectomy. Not good to focus on that. I sucked up my pride and called a friend. She graciously took my hand and kept me from falling into a pit of despair. 

Sometimes, too much research can be a bad thing.

Die Your Hair Red

I suppose when you contemplate whether or not you'll be having Chemotherapy, it's natural to be thinking about your hair and how much you're attached to your hair. I had mine cut & colored today. This is such a special treat for me. It always has been. I have THE most incredible stylists. Love her!  She always does exactly what I ask of her. We chatted at length about Breast Cancer, another patient of hers who just had a Mastectomy and whatever else popped into the conversation. She's an excellent conversationalist. I even wondered, should I just do some wild and crazy color like dark red if I have to do Chemo?  Would you?

Fight Like A Girl!

Today ended much better than it began. I had a difficult time getting out of bed, not because I was sick. I didn't want to face reality. But you know what? It all comes back to living each day on purpose. Any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow. So me focusing on things that don't serve me are a waste of time.

I dragged myself out of bed, and sent an email to a parent/friend from my kid's school. She'd recently had a Mastectomy and didn't know I had been diagnosed yet.  I realized this morning that I need to connect with other women who are experiencing the same emotions and fears that I am. Even though I have been able to manage my fear, it took a firm grip for a short while. My friend called me as soon as she read my e-mail. My intention in e-mailing was to cheer her up. Instead, she came right over with chicken soup and a hysterical Breast Cancer Chia Pet cheering me up! She also brought along this huge bag of pamphlets, wig info, books, DVDs, and financial resources available to women, especially low income or those who become unemployed.

We went to the cancer resource center near my house and spent two hours there yakking it up with other ladies that came in. All of us were in various phases of our treatment. It was enlightening and interesting. One thing these ladies all have in common is their spirit. They're fighters. My friend and I decided to buy each other matching T-shirts that said, "Fight Like A Girl!" with the Breast Cancer logo on it. My absolute favorite said, "Of Course There Are Fake! The Others Tried To Kill Me!" It still makes me laugh. I couldn't bring myself to get that one yet. I'm hopeful that I don't need to go that route.

Finally, our family celebrated my son's 17th birthday then attended our daughter's volleyball end-of-season party. I was so grateful to be alive and able to share these moments with them. I reminded myself that I will be doing treatment and fighting hard in order to see many more years of birthdays!

Day 1 of NaNoWriMo

In other news, day 1 of National Novel Writing Month = 1,600 words which is approximately 6 handwritten pages for me.  A nice way to end an emotional day.

First Appointment with a Breast Surgeon

Today I met with a breast surgeon. I brought a friend with me to this appointment. That was the best part of the appointment, visiting with my friend before, during, and after. Thank you Elaine for coming along beside me. Having you there made me stronger, as well as all of my friends and family who I know are praying for me too. Thank you.

There was a lot of information discussed. The doctor was wonderful. She read my medical history and went through it line-by-line, even noting that I was taking way too much calcium, which (she explained) may be the reason I have been having heart palpitation issues. I also had a blood draw to test for the Breast Cancer gene. For now, it will be two weeks until the results and my next appointment with the surgeon. Upon leaving her office, I received a goodie bag filled with books, handouts, support group info, directories, you name it and a hug. I'd admit, having a surgeon give me a hug made me nervous. But that's why I chose a women surgeon. She can relate.

The most difficult part of the appointment has been the aftermath. This evening I'm quite emotional. I guess I have been trying to suppress what's really happening inside my body with humor and keeping myself busy. Tonight, those walls came down. I'm having to come to grips now that I may need a Mastectomy, since the MRI revealed more possible sites of the cancer on the same side. I feel fortunate that so far, nothing appears to be on the other side.

The waiting continues.

Happy Halloween

Halloween is a strange holiday . I can never understand people celebrating death, blood, being scared and viewing images of gore. My daughter wanted to try out a spooky corn maze in our area. She went with two adults and a friend. When she returned home, she was full of excitement talking a mile a minute. "Oh mom, you should have seen the guy in the camo outfits. He was so tall and peering down at me making funny comments; The lady tied to a chair, covered in blood screaming 'don't come into our farm, momma don't like that!'  She explains that the actors in the maze listen carefully for people's names so they can address you, creep up and scare you. "But mom, they can't touch you." She likes that part.

I feel a little sad that I didn't go. She had a wonderful time, and I wasn't there to share it with her. It's in these precious moments with your child that you realize how short your time is with them. I don't like to be scared or see gore, but I would have enjoyed seeing her have so much fun. I've made a mental note to do this maze with her next year, even though it's not my thing. Spending time with your kids creating special bonds is the most important thing you can do for them.

Happy Halloween,
M

Why Me?

The Pity Pot
Do you ever have moments in your life where you stand on your little pity pot, shaking your fist in the air, and cry, "Why me?" Well, I do. Lots. Before I discovered I have breast cancer, I was battling the bulge around the middle and a very stubborn shoulder injury that still refuses to heal properly. Wha, wha..poor me. I spent numerous hours exercising, doing physical therapy, charting my food intake, and counting calories. I was determined to get well and be out of constant pain. I went to my doctor and had lots of blood tests done. I asked my doctor, "How come I'm so tired all of the time? I don't sleep. I'm grumpy. My heart races, and I'm feeling anxious. Can I have some drugs now please?"

Stress Causes Disease
Part of the answer to these questions is that we have busy lives and are stressed out. Every bit of research and magazine you pick up now a days will pontificate the evils of stress. Stress causes diseases. I've had some time to think about this lately and ponder the things that have happened in my life since leaving a very secure job six years ago. I had carpel tunnel in 2006, which is why I had to leave my job. Looking back, it was the extreme stress in the job that caused the carpel tunnel. Stress that was self-induced. I was uptight, miserable and hated everyone and everything about the job. Why couldn't I just let things go? Why did I have to be so controlling?

Good questions. Why?

Live Life in the Now
Well, as I approach the tail end of my 40s, I realize that life is short. Wow, what a revelation! My kids are almost out of school and about to enter college. Why am I still not happy? What is my purpose in this life?
What do I want to be when I grow up? News flash for me; I need to stop living in the past and future and start living in the now. I don't know if living this way has been a protection mechanism that extends from a dysfunctional childhood, but I'm old enough to understand  that it's all in the past. I'm wasting the now with my hang ups and worries, and with cancer I only have now. It's a short life. I'm going to live it and continue going for my crazy dreams such as writing a novel. My point? Stop don't dreaming just because you're middle age (if you are that is). If you're not, then ignore people who don't believe in you.Surround yourself with those who do and who love you just as you are. For everyone: WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU!  Be authentic. Be true. Love life. Do good. Do what is right. If you do, then all the rest will fall into place.

Peace out!
M

Keeping The Mind Occupied

I'm presently working on a novel of 50,000 words for a global contest called the NaNoWriMo, which is short for National Novel Writing Month. It occurs every November 1st through the 30th. The NaNoWriMo is a non-profit organization which has been encouraging writers since 1999. It's a great way for me to take my mind off my diagnosis and focus on a meaningful pursuit that can be accomplish from anywhere.

Many of you know I was pursuing a career as a Physical Therapist Assistant. I haven't given up on that, not yet at least. I just don't know if I'll have the energy to take on a full school load or not next year while recovering from radiation. In the meantime, I'm hopeful on exploring my love of writing and seeing if I can make some money on the side by writing for magazines, newspaper, online news sources, blogging, etc. Who knows where this little adventure will take me.

What new adventures are you exploring?

Top 10 Worst Ways to Break Cancer Diagnosis News to Your Family

Don't worry, I haven't lost my mind. This is me flying my middle finger at cancer! Whoot, Whoot!

#10: Wear an "I've Got Cancer" t-shirt around the house.

#9:   Using overly intricate (and thoroughly confusing) means:
        -Spouse: Honey, you don't look so well. Are you feeling alright?
        -Response: Well, if by 'are' you mean 'do', and if by 'feeling' you mean            
         'have' and if by 'alright' you mean 'cancer', then the answer is yes, I                
         most certainly do.

#8:   The Relativity Approach:
        "Well honey, I got fired from my job for sleeping with the cleaning                  
         lady, who apparently gave me HIV. You should get yourself checked               
         out ASAP. Ha ha, just kidding about that...by the way, I have cancer.

#7:   On the Jumbotron at a sporting event.  (what the heck is a Jumbotron?)

#6:   Through clever subtleties:
        Spouse: Do you have Billy's basketball schedule for next week?
        Response: I'll tell ya what I don't have...the ability to properly regulate         
         cell growth and proliferation anymore.

#5:   "Alright everybody, raise your hand if you DON'T have cancer."           
                (raising your hand at first, then slowly dropping it as everyone watches)

#4:   Make your family play connect the dots with your twisted logic:
        "Ya know, I was thinking about what a horrible disease that cancer is            
         and how Fate must really hate someone to inflict such a horrible curse           
         on them.  Well, apparently Fate hates me."

#3:   Via text message. ( omg! ive gt cancer. not kewl. ) oops..did that one..sorry Dawn.

#2:   Vanity license plates:  [2MR GUY], [KEMO GAL], [CNCR SUX],[CNCR FITR]


And the #1 worst way to break cancer diagnosis news to your family:

"Knock-knock" ... "who's there?" ... "I have cancer."  Um..okay?

These Top 10 funnies found at:http://www.cancerisnotfunny.com/top10worstwaytobreakthenews.html

What is it like to have a breast MRI?

Breast MRI Machine
Carol Milgard Breast Center, Tacoma WA

Call me a freak, but I thought having a Breast MRI was  fascinating. The MRI technician was a great sport in allowing me a quick picture on my cell phone before I left. This is not what your usual MRI scanning room looks like. I had two earlier this year and the room was quite plain. This room has pink wallpaper, pink pads that you lay on and a pink design on the underside of the circular tube you lay in.

Here's how it went. I change into a gown, no bra, undies only and socks. They gave me a fuzzy robe to wear while I was waiting for the room the be setup. One of the forms I had to sign was about a 'contrast' solution that was going to be injected into me for the MRI. I met with the tech prior to going in because I wanted to know what kind of 'contrast' solution they would be injecting me with. My tech said that it is a solution that is mostly saline with no harmful chemicals or side affects.

A 'butterfly' type of portal was put in my arm before I climbed aboard. Basically, it likes an IV, but much smaller and less painful. A few pictures were taken before the saline was put into my body to see before and after pics. About half way through the 20 minute MRI, they injected me with the saline. It didn't hurt, but felt a little creepy. I kept imaging the flow of the solution and where it was travelling in my body. Too many anatomy and physiology classes this past year.

I was asked what kind of music I liked, because you wear ear plugs and headphones during the procedure. The ear plugs are because the machine is quite loud. Sometimes I could hear the music, mostly it was so the tech could communicate with me. I appreciated that most of all. He would give me the time left in the hole throughout.

I digress, back to the beginning. I climb the little stairs you see in the picture. I lay with my feet facing the giant donut hole and extend face down on the extending platform. My gown is open in the front. I lay on my stomach and my breasts are hanging in between two openings. I kind of felt like a milking cow. It was relief though, because I had quite a bit of bruising from the biopsy and was nervous about laying on my stomach. Since my shoulder injury, I haven't layed on my stomach in over a year. Yeah, I'll taking milking cow position thank you very much.

The technician's assistant, a female, assists in getting me comfortable on the platform table. She offers a pillow for my feet and adjusts my headrest down a bit, which took pressure off my back and a warm blankie if I want it. I declined. I get hot flashes when I'm nervous. I was plenty warm once enclosed in the donut. Next, she inserts the ear plugs and puts on the headphones, music is already playing. I'm given a squishy ball device that you squeeze to signal you want to be taken out if you panic or feel too claustrophobic.

Cool. I'm all set. Not a worry. I've done these already. I'm a pro. Um...not so fast. As soon as I was cocooned in, I felt an immediate rush of panic. I took a deep breath and kept my eyes closed telling myself that this was only for 20 minutes. Concentrate. There's enough air. All is fine. This reaction surprised me. I've never experienced any kind of claustrophobia before. Perhaps because I was face down and couldn't see much. Either way, the feeling passed within a minute or two and I completed my time without further ado.

I started playing games in my mind with the different sounds this contraption makes. Sometimes it went Pow, pow, pow....really fast and loud or it would vibrate slightly. Nothing scary, just surprising how loud it was.

I'll be scheduling an appointment with the surgeon's office as soon as they get my MRI results.

Stay Tune!

What's a Mammotome and other Misc Stuff

I image the hardest part of any disease is the 'not knowing' stage you have to endure while waiting for your blood tests, biopsy results, diagnosis, MRI's, outcomes of surgeries, etc. It certainly has been the case with me. My mammogram was performed on Sept. 23, 2010. I received a letter in the mail stating my results needed further examination. I was asked to do another mammogram on the side noted to look abnormal. A radiologist reviewed that mammogram immediately and recommended I have a biopsy right away. I had the biopsy done the following week. I should have waited before being cut into and researched about what they were going to do before going in, because now I'm in "we've got to move ahead and not wait around anymore" mode.

I had the biopsy done on October 14, 2010 and received a call from my doctor two days later that I was positive for Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. This is the earliest stage of breast cancer and has a 90% chance of being cured. Here's a bit of info of what a  Mammotome biopsy procedure is like.

The Mammotome is a machine with a gun-like extension that has a tool that a surgeon inserts into the breast tissue to gather samples from clustered areas of calcification's noted on the mammogram. The surgeon has exact locations utilizing the x-ray from the mammogram prior to taking the samples. You are seated in a chair the entire time. The breast is situated in the same contraption used to perform mammograms. This part was uncomfortable, because I had to remain very still and have my breast squished for over 30 minutes. A local anesthetic is given to numb the entire area. I mostly felt slight pressure during the sampling. After the surgeon finishes collecting samples, a tiny marker is then inserted into the areas sampled. Prior to my Lumpectomy, I will have a tiny wire inserted into the breast which will be attached to the marker inserted during the biopsy. Using the wire, attached to the marker(s) are then triangulated to  located  the precise area of the tumor with some surrounding tissue that will be removed during a Lumpectomy.  I joked with the surgeon and asked her if I would make airport scanning machines buzz. She said no. The material isn't that detectable.

The procedure only requires a small incision without stitches. The freakiest part is you are awake. It was recommended I take some anti-anxiety medicine if I tended to feel queasy or nervous about the procedure and to not eat anything the morning of. I was thankful that I only had some juice, because even though I didn't feel scared during the procedure, when it was over, I was very dizzy for about an hour and had to put my feet up. The nurse said this was a normal delayed response to trauma. Some patients even pass out during the procedure. Looking back, I wish they would have also suggested that I have someone drive me as well. The recovery hasn't been as bad as I expected. I have some fairly large bruises, but this is mostly just blood pooling in the lower half of the breast.

Next Tuesday, October 26, 2010 I'm scheduled for a breast MRI. This will detect in greater detail any more clusters of abnormal looking breast calcification's. A surgeon will need the MRI in order to remove of the tumor and surrounding tissue in a procedure called a Lumpectomy.  After this procedure, the next step is radiation. That is all I know at this point.  How much pain will I be in after a Lumpectomy? Will radiation kill the cancer and any precancerous cells lurking around in my breasts? Sometimes too much research can be a scary thing.

Comfort for the Tears

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain.  But he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way."

Thank you cousin, Mary. A breast cancer survivor!

October 18, 2010 Diagnosis & Follow Up

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on October 18, 2010. I'll always remember this day. Not for sentimental reasons, but because it's one of my sister's birthday. Sorry sis. But hey, I'll never forget your birthday right? I was sitting in my car outside of our local Starbuck's when my cell phone rang. I saw it was my doctor's office and figured I'd better answer it. I was expecting a call sometime in the next few days regarding results of a breast biopsy I'd had the previous week. (I'll save that expereince for another post). My doctor broke the news to me in as gentle manner as possible. I was alone, and had an excellant cry.

It was a beautiful day. A rare day of sunshine in October in the Pacific NW. It's usually raining. Not on this day. No, it's incredible. People are smiling, happy and going about their day. Meanwhile, I'm in my car wearing my sunglasses to cover my red eyes.  I start the engine and head home. Once home, I text, Bob to share the news. He asks if I need him to come home. No. I'm fine. (I need to be alone, call my sister, and my best friends).

My follow-up to the biopsy appointment was October 20, 2010. I meet with the doctor who performed the lovely little biopsy on my left breast, which for a few days was 1-1/2 times larger than the right breast due to swelling. It's an assortment of black, yellow, and green. Thankfully, the swelling is almost gone.

If any of you care to comment, please do. I want to know how you are doing!
Clean jokes welcome.

Love & Blessings!
M